HER CONFESSION

I am not usually a non-fictional story writer and the much I write has no relationship to biographies.

But Juliet chatted me up after she read one of my stories,she complimented and advised me on certain areas I should touch to send goosebumping thrills to my readers. She however requested that I write a story about her since she's not a good storyteller. I have not tried it before—writing a true story of Someone, nevertheless, I have to accept and from her voice notes,below was her story which was written to fit in the story lines.

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My name is Juliet,I am 29 years old now. I grew up in the countryside. After my senior school certificate examination...just a few weeks after the exams,I was on my way from an errand around 7;00p.m to 8;00p.m. I met two boys at a junction close to the Church. I was waylaid and dragged into a bush where I was gangraped and left in agony. I felt useless and wept till I lost my voice.

I managed to stand and staggered towards the Church building to seek help. I met the Church security guard Edet in his Post;a small room joined with the church fence and close to the gate.He beckoned me to come in. His eyes ran through me in dismay.

"What happened to you Miss?" He asked in confusion.

I took time to explain how I was raped by two hoodlums. I explained how it was my first sex' and how emotionally drained and the subsequent trauma I was passing through.

Throughout the story,his eyes were on me. I became afraid and had to stop talking when I saw his eyes looking strange and his body language sending a sinister message. I took some steps back.

"Uncle what's happening to you, you're looking at me strangely?" I asked amidst a terrific tone.

Before I could say Harry Potter,he sprung from his seat and locked the door. I got more terrified and began to cry, begging him to spare my life and forgive me if I have offended him.

"You look sweet and please it has been long". That was the only statement he made before he threw me on his small mattress and made his way through my legs. I wept throughout the ordeal and the pain from the act was so excruciating that I had to scream for help. Why didn't people hear me,that was the question I kept asking till today.

After he got through,he got a towel and water with which he cleaned my body while I lay on the mattress like a bunch of wood. I later gathered some strength and walked home. I cursed' that day; the boys and Edet and prayed for my death as well. I barely found my way home.

I was afraid to reveal the incident to my mom,I knew she will doubt me.An ardent, and religious bigotry...did I want to tarnish and bring to mud her church?,that would be her question and I trust she would swear with her last breath that the good security guard will never think of that, especially in the premises of worship. I put up a fake smile and maintained a balance and walked inside the house unnoticed.

I couldn't sleep that night as the memory kept distorting my sleep. I wept and prayed for dawn,as the pain in-between my groin kept increasing. To avoid being noticed from the painful mourn,I had to sit outside till dawn. The next morning, I had to summon courage and talked to my mother.

" You're evil " She screamed at me " I knew it Julie,I said it that you will bring disgrace to this family. Who was the guy that disvirgined you that you had to manipulate a story to nail an innocent man?"

I didn't rest that day. In the evening,she came back with a drug and insisted that I take it and kept everything that happened a secret. But that did not save me from her beating—she still did not believe my story until two years after.

The trauma of the incident crept in slowly, slowly like a drop of oil in a bucket of water. I began to develop itches and severe and/or excruciating pains on my groin. I couldn't talk to Mom since that will ignite more aggression and I can't buy more emotional taunt.From my little savings,I had to meet a chemist far from town for a drug.

The patent dispenser, after arranging some dosage of medication,stared at me.

"What really happened,why are you requesting itchy treatment drugs?"

At first, I thought being secretive and private about my predicament would be more esteemed, but each day I die before my own death.Tears and beating of my chest has become a regular exercise... I could remember falling to insomnia for a week and more. I looked marginalized from the real world and imprisoned in my own mind.

"I had an infection Sir" I lied and looked steadily at my toe.

I bet he didn't believe me. He seemed to be a man of good virtue—I guessed he must be around fifty years old then. He looked around the vicinity and beckoned me to come inside. I refused vehemently and clinge my wrist together ready to bounce on any threatening movement.That was when I knew I had lost trust in every being.

"I am a trained nurse, retired from service. I have seen many young girls of your age lying to cover up their health problems and when it has deteriorated,they will have no choice than to reveal the truth" He complained,while his face looked worried and concerned.

"I am finding it difficult,I am finding everything…" I stuttered and began to shed tears.

He didn't take any move,but watched as I poured my emotions through my tears.

"Come inside my daughter. I have a girl of your age at home" He beckoned.

I followed him after he had removed the barricade from the counter shelf. He led me to a table which served as the consultations office.

"You're hurt,what happened?" He enquired.

I poured my soul to him, just like I ought to do to my mom. I left every bit of my heart to him as tears accompanied my lips. He listened keenly without interference and constantly nodded. After I had finished my story,he left the table and went to a shelf. He came back and gave me a white handkerchief which he offered for free and advised me to pour my tears each time there.

"And your Mom, an ardent Christian gave you a drug to terminate the pregnancy?" He asked, looking at the table.

" Yes sir"

" I see," he mumbled,then looked at me and sighed.

His counsel got my spirit lifted; he told me a series of unfortunate stories many other girls had and many will have. He told me how her twin sister was raped by his uncle which led to her death—she committed suicide,a girl of 17 years. We prayed together and then he gave me drugs and refused to take payment for them.

As I walked back home,I knew there are many ugly stories in every soul that passed me by, stories that each would die with and still, every individual smiled and laughed over every joke. There are still good people,I assured myself and went home with a bit of a relieved heart.

Though constantly the incident flashed into my mind,I willed and developed a thick skin response to it.I had to bounce back positively and pray for a better tomorrow. I blantly refused to attend our Church again,if it means death...if it means Mama Julie killing me for not yielding to her pressure to attend that church and accepting her Jesus as my personal savior,let the death come right at my foot, because no death has power than that that got me when I experienced the pang of rape.How would this new death look like? Will it stared at me just like the last stood beside me laughing when the first boy fiercely pushed himself inside me,I saw my spirit left and let a shrill shout and was shut afterwards with my own panties. Would the death be more deadlier than the third rape that torn my heart and left bruises not only on my womanhood,also on my heart? I stared at Mama Julie and told her to hell with her Church. She was shocked and swore to save my soul with constant prayer.

I thought if dad was alive,I would have seen someone that will sharpen his cutlass and matched like a spirit-lighted soldier towards the Church gate, towards the town Kings palace and demanded for an arrest and lynching of my tormentors,but alas,what was left for me was a Christian mother whose faith cannot be overemphasized and jeopardize in the altar of sidelining tales of a young daughter.

Chinedu was my boyfriend,my senior in school who later got admission in University of Nigeria Nsukka and was in his first year English class. We have agreed to stay platonic until marriage except for a regular kiss whenever we meet. I had to fulfill the promise to visit him off campus three months after.

Before the visit,I took time to make sure I have healed, at least from the physical pains. The cream and drugs I got helped and within the few months I was able to urinate without pain and walk well without a trace of injury.

And then,on the day of my visit Chinedu was so excited and had to introduce me to whoever we came across as we passed through the hostel corridor till we got to his apartment.

He hurried and prepared noodles mixed with scrambled eggs and cold Pepsi drink and chilled water. After he had served the food on a plastic table,I pushed the chair out of my front, pulled him over and kissed him passionately. The traumatic incident flashed in my mind which left me clinging to my teeth,I nearly bit him. He was shocked and inquired about the cause of my sudden stiffness.

" Nothing o, something bite my leg" I lied and smiled to ease his tension.

I had to stop the romantic activity and go for the food.

Stories were too much from him as I watched him tell stories of school life; his lecturers, how a girl asked her out, how cultists assassinated a professor, and numerous tales of school activities. I had to halt him.

"Chi " I cut him off.

"Yes dear'' he answered, confused at my sudden call.

"I need to ask you for a favor and I don't want you to decline," I said and stared at him without a blink.

" Okay,if it's at my reach, consider it done" He boasted amidst a curl of smiles.

" Let's do it" I summoned courage and said.

"Do what?" He asked, confused.

" Sex" I replied.

He was shocked and withdrawn. He looked at me for a long time and in silence. I was nevertheless troubled,who knew what might be his response.

" Is it because of the girl I told you that asked me out?" He eventually asked.

" No"

"Then?" He asked and drew closer to me.

"No,it's because I want to do it," I responded.

He was still contemplating on my request while I pulled him close and wet his lips with my kiss and eventually we had it. After the sex, I knew he had something hidden in his mind as his face showed signs of displeasure and worries. I had to persuade him to speak, though he initially hesitated.

"You weren't a virgin Julie" I wondered if it was a question or a mere assertion.

" Yes," I replied softly.

"I trusted you,what happened?"

I thought at this juncture he should be mad,but he was calm and professed his trust with clear intent that something beyond my control might have happened. I thought it wise to tell him the truth,but fear gripped my soul. I had to devise a proper picture.

"I broke my hymen while cycling," I lied.

Laugher erupted,he laughed so loud that I became afraid and suspicious. Does it mean he has heard the true story or was there a leak in my projected lie?

"What's funny Chinedu?" I asked,bemused and stared at him suspiciously.

"Who gave you a bicycle and why would you take that dreadful risk in riding male framed bicycle?" He replied smilingly.

I took a deep breath and felt relieved. At this age,I would say he is a coward,yes ! A coward for believing cock and bull story from a girl whom he left behind in the village. Our present generations will not accept such gimmicks and frivolous lies.

"You knew my Dad's eldest brother. He was at home last month with his family for a burial. I had to learn how to cycle with his son's bicycle. I was shocked when I saw blood on my clothes after I hitted the Crosse frame" I lied,stared at his glaring eyes filled with amusement "I thought since what I vowed to keep is no more there, there's no essence of alleging being a virgin, moreover we can still make it as husband and wife without being Virgins, or were all the couples virgin before marriage?" I asked.

"No way," he retorted,and shook his head.

Five months later,I began to have a slight headache,high temperature and fever. I bought malaria and typhoid drugs. During the course of the medication,I noticed a series of symptoms ranging from for,aching muscles,and sore throat.It was on the fifth day of the sickness that I got back and saw the calls I missed from Chinedu, because I left my phone in my room while attending to the customers who came to buy Poultry feed at home.

I checked the text message on my phone,it was from him demanding that I call him back once I am alone and out of eavesdropping. I hurriedly went out and bought a call card and recharged. I called him back and his tone of pleasantness seemed inconvenient and suspicious.

"You don't seem to be okay Chi, what's the problem?" I asked.

"I have something to tell you Julie,hope no one is there? He said.

"Yes,I am alone"

" I don't know how it happened Julie,I am as confused as anything filled with flabbergasting. Yesterday I had to continue with the school compulsory medical checkup and filling. A friend advised us to conduct a test at the Heart to Heart department. At first I was reluctant because I see no need for conducting HIV tests when I am sure of my health status. I have not had any sexual activities with anyone except you and I trusted you. Upon persuasion from him,I agreed to have the test done. The test came out and was positive" He paused.

I lost my spirit at these last words. I didn't know when I screamed and called the name of Jesus. My heart beats increased and perspiration took over me. I really pee on myself.

"What are you saying Chinedu?" I asked as I tried to hold myself from losing balance,I saw darkness making ways through my eyes.

"I didn't know what happened Julie,I don't know how it came to be. I have been afraid that you might have contracted the virus. I am finished!" His words were so pathetic and then I heard him sob.

He ended the call and promised to call back. I became emotionally drained and confused also. I sluggishly walked inside my room I shared with my youngest sister,lay down and sobbed profusely and uncomfortably.

Chinedu didn't call again that day and I had no offense and anger against him,I was just confused and mind blank. The next day, after dropping off market wares for my mother at her shop,I hurried to a general hospital two towns away from mine. The test came out positive also and from the result,it was obvious it has nurtured for months. I was counsel to report often for therapy sessions and frequent follow up with medication. On my way home,I knew Chinedu didn't give me the virus,I gave it to him.

I got home weak and unable to eat since the morning I left. I tried reaching Chinedu but my calls were ignored.It was around noon that he called back. I made up my mind immediatly I saw his call to invite him home and talk about this and tell him the truth about everything; how I was raped and disvirgined and contracted the virus.

"Hello Chi" I said on the call.

" This is not Chinedu. I am his roommate in school,I believed you knew me"

"Yes I remembered," I replied.

" Okay, Chinedu has been hospitalized since morning. He has been acting strange since last night and refused to reveal what has been troubling him. This morning I got a news that he had an accident"

" What !" I screamed and cut him off.

" Yes,he had an accident. Eye witnesses claimed they saw him walking absent minded and was knocked by a car driven by a young student at a high speed in front the school gate, apparently on his way to class." He paused and probably waited for me to talk.

" Jesus" I was dumbfounded and tears began to make their way through my eyes.

" I will call you back,his parents are here in the hospital". He ended the call quickly.

I stood up from the bed and began to gallivant round the small room,cries were far fetched for me. A buzz came from my phone,I looked at it and it was a message from Chinedu line.I quickly opened the inbox.

"He couldn't make it, Chinedu just gave up the ghost dear. I will call you back" The message read.

Instantly I threw myself at the floor, rolling over and calling on death to visit me now. It was then that I found my mouth to cry,I cried till my eyes got swollen and my throat lost its voice.

After his burial,I made up my mind to move on with life and not forget to infect and infest every man that comes across me. I just hoped at the time of that decision that the medication wouldn't interfere with men contracting the virus from me.

I later got admission in the same University Chinedu studied,a year later.Even though I had no interest in Art and humanity studies,I decided to live Chinedu's dream and keep his memory in my life.Thus I read and gained admission to study English. In the same class he had studied,I sat and took my lectures. I met his classmates and each time I passed them having a lecture,I remembered Chinedu and wished him well in life after.

I had to repent from my decision and detached myself from any relationship with men. I don't think that would be Chinedu's dream seeing me inflicting harm on others just because of another person's evil actions.

Today I am a graduate and a business woman. Mom has been asking if I wouldn't marry if I found someone in the same health status or someone not a patient that would like to marry me. I laughed each time she asked that and last time,I made it known to her that I am not getting married. I felt pity each time she had to blame herself for not listening to my story then and not being mother enough.

Today,my business name is coined from Chinedu's name,a portrait of his picture hung in my room where I can see it each day,and my phone screensaver has his smiling picture as well. I have to live for him.

I later heard that the security man in our church was later sacked after he was caught having sexual activities with minors and confessed of being on the book for years,he later died of suicide which no one can tell the cause. I don't know about the first boys that raped me,I didn't recognize them then.

The end.

© Mmadu Stanley